I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
