Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
