happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm too high and old for this...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
