and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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