Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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