It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i now understand why vodka
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
