I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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