I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
