she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
