I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize