i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I didn't notice because vodka
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
