He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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