Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize