Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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