1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
