I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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