Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
