you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
