Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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