So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
