Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
