We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize