a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
