I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Someone signed my nipple.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
