my vag is so smooth its legendary
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
