my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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