is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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