I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
