Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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