Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
