You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
