When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
do nipples grow back?
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