i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
