I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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