Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
