I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
