Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
