you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
