Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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