I didn't shave. On purpose
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize