i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
