i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
