My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
