4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
