Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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