she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
