You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
