i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
