I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
