Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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