If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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