Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
