My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize