I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
