Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
