from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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