You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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