Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
