I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
