Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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