At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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