Please, let me fuck your mom
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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