I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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