Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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