dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
