someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
