it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
